i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
