So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
