Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
