she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
The best revenge is premature balding
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
