meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
