nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
