So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize