I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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