my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
