someone threw a dead crab at me
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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