I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
