Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
