What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
