I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
