so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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