i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
