tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Randomize
