all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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