Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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