yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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