she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
