i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
