Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
