ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
