i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
