How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
