I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
