She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
