How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Randomize
