No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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