the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
