Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You left your phone here
Wait...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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