I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize