She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
