it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
