epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
