Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
