I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
