You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize