Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
