when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
