i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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