I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
