a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Found the puke drawer
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
