she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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