Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
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