Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
