I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
