Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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