dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize