You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
