my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
