I want to have your abortion
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
