I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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