Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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