How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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