god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
