I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
