This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
