I just threw up on my dentist
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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