when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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