I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
