Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
